I haven't been on for quite awhile. The date of my last post is listed at July 12th...wow that's quite some time! Initially my leave of absence was caused by malware infecting our computer. Thankfully my good friend ChefMama has a husband with a knack for computers!
I whole heartedly wish that my lack of posting was due only to a lack of a computer, but sadly that has not been the case. On July 27th, we received a phone call that no one should ever get. My DH's Cousin shot himself. Shortly after the initial call we were informed that he did not make it. He left behind a doting mother, his two children, and scores of people who loved him. What happened was senseless and heartbreaking, and our family is left to carry on without him. I know all too well how that is, because my fiance in college, Steven, committed suicide. I know the heartache, the questions, and the search for answers that you will never find. But what hurt worse was knowing that there was nothing I could say that would help easy his Mother's pain. All I could do was hug her.
Two days later I was in my OB/GYN's office. DH and I have been trying to get pregnant since Kiddo was 10 months old with no such luck. She'll be turning three in November, and all I keep hearing is that it's time for another one. If only it were that simple. With kiddo it took us three years, little over two on our own and a few months on medications. So when we decided that we wanted Baby #2, we knew that it might take awhile. Actually I was thinking more like a year. The medications worked like a charm the first time right? The second time should be a breeze. At least that's what I told myself. But sadly that isn't the case. We've been referred to a specialist. DH and I at least agreed to see the specialist, but its all too real that we probably won't be able to afford treatment. We've talked about adoption as well, but in all likely hood that is out of our reach as well. I've been depressed and just plain angry. Several friends have had second, and third children. One is even contemplating a fourth. I am extremely jealous of her, because she has this ability to make the decision to have another child and viola within a month or two there's a baby on the way. I get so angry because I wish I worked that way, but at the same time I chuckle. Because I know that I would forget a pill and be pregnant all the time if that were that case. Insane asylum anyone? Just one, all ask for is just one. I'm not greedy, please?
If the death in my husband's family and our fertility problems weren't enough, on August 4th my Paternal Grandma passed away. Grandma Kate finally moved back to Ohio last October after years of living in Las Vegas. It's what I wanted all these years, and when she finally came home I took everything for granted. There are a lot of stupid excuses that seemed important then, but I didn't manage to see her often and didn't pick up the phone all that often. We saw her at family functions, but at the last family get together Kiddo didn't want to see Great-Grandma because she was a stranger. That broke my heart. After that I vowed that we would make time and get together for dinners and chat on the phone. But then Grandma got sick with pneumonia and was put in the hospital. The wonderful Doctors there did everything they could, but it wasn't enough. Two weeks in the hospital and my Grandma was gone. My only consolation right now is that she was surrounded by all of us who loved her. She wasn't in Las Vegas when it happened, and we could all be with her. When they took off the oxygen, I prayed to the Blessed Virgin that she would not suffer. Thankfully she didn't, in the end passing with a whisper. I feel truly blessed to have been able to say goodbye, but also blessed to be able to tell her how sorry I was. I hope she can forgive me for not being there like I should have, because it will be a long time before I can forgive myself. But my DH gave me something that made me smile. "Kathleen is such a pretty name. If we ever have another girl, she should be named Kathleen..."
At this point, I will trying to be throwing myself more into homesteading and blogging. Better days are hopefully on the horizon soon, and I can't wait to share them after the gloom.
Cheers! Mama Homesteader
